Dear Boys

Today I'm feeling a bit nostalgic. You're growing too fast.

JJ you have all your teeth, including your 2 year molars. You climb everything, harass the dog, eat like there's no tomorrow, and rarely let me sit down. You are a joy. You are a challenge. And I'm loving every minute of it. Almost. :) I thought I'd have so much more time as you grew up, but I find myself constantly being the one to catch you, save the dog, feed you, and run to fix the things that might have just been been broken. I can hardly wait to channel your energy for good. Right now I'm just trying to keep up.

D you are the joy in my world. You are so kind loving. You're learning at an astonishing rate and you're vocabulary is exploding. You are becoming so independent, and although that makes for occasional standoffs between the two of us, I'm amazed at what a good kid you are. You want to please, you want to make others happy and it is a joy to be your mom.

I love my boys. They are as different as night and day, and yet I wouldn't change them for the world.

Breathe. Be Happy.

I'm having one of those weeks.

The kind where I think, what the crap was I thinking?

I had it good.

Money, prestige, time, sleep... all the things that I use to have.

Now I have a dirty house. No clean laundry. Two screaming boys. Intermittent naps (no longer a full night's sleep).

What the?!?!

Choosing to be a mom was the best choice I've ever made, but it isn't always a glorious choice. Especially when I feel like half the time I'm walking around with spit up on me.

I have to constantly remind myself that I made this choice. That I wanted this. That I prayed for this. And I have to shake myself and think of the good. The fact that Tank wakes up the happiest kid of all time with huge smiles and hugs. That Bug is learning at an astonishing rate and his imagination makes me smile all the time.

And sadly, I know this is just a phase, and soon my little babies will be boys, and then teenagers, and then gone. I know how fast this is going to go. So why am I not cherishing their hugs? The fact that they aren't embarrassed by me? The fact that they only want me? The fact that when I kiss their owies it is magically better?

But I'm human. And sometimes selfish.

So I went to my roots and make a 5X7 image to put in a frame on my mantle. This week it is a gentle reminder that when life gets away from me to take a step back and breathe. Count to 5 (the round circles) 5... 4... 3... 2... 1... and then be happy.

For myself.

For my boys.

For the chaos that I wouldn't change... even to get the money, prestige, time, and sleep back.

Because happiness is a CHOICE.

I need that visual reminder that I really do love my life. Even when the moments can be hard to live through.

And next week when I need a different reminder, I'll make one. Cause it's easy. Cheep. And fast.

Lets face it. That's all I have time for running after Tank.

Maybe next week I'll remind myself to shower! HA!

Deliberations

After a lot of thought I've come to realize that I can't do it all.

In my head I get this glorious plan. I like to plan. It makes me happy. A schedule is a thing of gloriousness that comes close to chocolate.

But as Tank has gotten bigger, and a lot more mobile, my life with this little guy is nothing short of chaos. My first boy lulled me into a false security. I thought I had it down. I thought, HEY! This is totally doable.

Then came Tank. And my life as I knew it was over.

There is no sleep in my house.

There is no schedule.

There is no plan of action... because then Tank destroys it.

Now don't get me wrong. Tank is all smiles and happiness. He plows trough life with a kind of joy only dreamed about. He is the reason people want to bottle baby energy. He makes my days full of laughter, but also makes me fall into bed praying he will stay asleep. I love my little man, but he must be supervised... at all times.

Or bad things happen.

Very. Very. Bad.

So this blog is going to morph into what it was meant to be from the beginning for me. A way to breathe for a minute. Maybe post a funny picture or tell a funny story... and when I actually have time post something creative I've done.

Because it has to.

I am mommy first. And that's exactly who I want to be.